Above is a pic of my youngest daughter and me.
My Husband, My brother in Christ
Multiple Sclerosis does not define who I am
I was diagnosed in 1999 shortly after my husband and I reconciled after a long separation. You can read about that and a bit of the MS diagnosis here: The Resurrection of a Dead and Buried Marriage
However, what I want to write about today, is how it affects me now.
I have relapsing-remitting MS, not progressive. I can have a "relapse" of which can cause me to do things like... NOT SLEEP, trip and slur, see with double vision, walk with a cane or walker cause I can't feel my feet, not be able to play my guitar because my fingers "don't listen", among other things.
Does it make me less of a mother... no.
Does it make me less of a wife... no.
If anything, it has caused me to realize what is important in life.
In the midst of an exacerbation I have no choice but to slow down (going slow is not normal for me)
and ask for help (not easy... very pride-stripping).
I always sense it coming on and I cannot say that I initially respond how I should. (evidenced by the hole in my bedroom wall from the last one). I say futile things like, "This is not good timing." or "I really do not have time for this right now" before resting in the fact that God has me right where I need to be.
Do I wish I did not have MS? Of Course.
But if it meant that I would miss out on all that I have learned through it, I would much rather have it, than not.
MS does not define who I am.
I am a child of God given a wonderful life to live for His glory.
I try to live it with as few regrets as possible. But I do fail at times... probably more times than what I want to admit.
When I am in pain, everything looks different. The world seems even more like a vapor and I become more longing to keep in view the joy in the little things. I am a better mother in pain than on pain meds. It really becomes an opportunity to practice godliness and depend even more fully on my Lord. I am so honored that the Lord would look upon me for no reason of anything I have done and entrust me to raise up 6 children and be a wife to a Godly man.
(I am, however, not a better blogger through times like this... I get more quickly annoyed. Need to work on that. ha.)
If you do not know what MS is, than go to this link if you are interested: What is MS?
Now observe that when that clever harlot, our natural reason . . . , takes a look at married life, she turns up her nose and says, “Alas, must I rock the baby, wash its diapers, make its bed, smell its stench, stay up nights with it, take care of it when it cries, heal its rashes and sores . . . ?”
What then does Christian faith say to this? It opens its eyes, looks upon all these insignificant, distasteful, and despised duties in the Spirit, and is aware that they are all adorned with divine approval as with the costliest gold and jewels. It says, O God, because I am certain that thou hast created me as a (woman) and hast from my body begotten this child, I also know for a certainty that it meets with thy perfect pleasure. I confess to thee that I am not worthy to rock the little babe or wash its diapers, or to be entrusted with the care of the child (as) its (mother). How is it that I, without any merit, have come to this distinction of being certain that I am serving thy creature and thy most precious will? O how gladly will I do so, though the duties should be even more insignificant and despised. Neither frost nor heat, neither drudgery nor labor, will distress or dissuade me, for I am certain that it is thus pleasing in thy sight. . . . God, with all his angels and creatures is smiling—not because the (mother) is (wiping bottoms), but because (she) is doing so in Christian faith.--Martin Luther
Comments
Thanks for your honesty. I also struggle with physical ills, although without an actual diagnosis. I struggle with the lack of answers, but this has indeed given me lots of opportunities to witness the mercies of the Lord. As the doctors insist on sending me to psychiatrists, I am able to share with some of them our belief that God's Word is sufficient in helping me with any and all psychological issues. I am able to share with them the fact that I have spoken with biblical counselors and been assured that they do not see sufficient stressors in my life to cause these physical issues. I am blessed to have the opportunity to wait on the Lord, as the symptoms wax and wane. He is my Great Physician.
Do I trust fully each and every day? I wish I could say yes. Rather, I falter at least as much as I trust. Yet God continues to give me opportunities to serve Him.
Posted by: sheshe | April 1, 2006 09:40 AM
My dear sister in Christ, I had no idea you had MS. Your fire and convictions come through loud and clear in your writing, comments and posts. I have enjoyed the interaction and buddy build-ups very much. How can I pray for you?
Posted by: Mke Ratliff | April 1, 2006 01:32 PM
I kept forgetting to ask you what kind of MS you had. You should stop naming and claiming your rolls royce and start getting some toupee wearing pentecostals to lay hands on you.
Posted by: Roadkill | April 1, 2006 01:54 PM
Hey SheShe, mentor and friend. I know you can relate. I am thankful for your friendship. You are truly a gift from God.
Hey Mike R. ... (now this is a guy that has a blog that is a must-read). I appreciate always your written words. They always encourage me to be more like my Lord.
Hello Roadkill... you know, my Rolls Royce looks a whole lot like a 15 passenger van... people get out of my way. I also learn quickly. I have only hit one mail box and one red post at the drive-through. Name-it-and-claim-it people are scared of me... I quote too much scripture for them.
Posted by: 4ever4given | April 1, 2006 06:31 PM
There you go again. Mentioning that pesky scripture again. Brian McLaren told me I don;t need it.
(Was that wrong of me to type?)
Posted by: Roadkill | April 1, 2006 07:47 PM
You mean the Brian McLaren that has a website for "the new kind of Christian"... the one who is "willing to risk being misunderstood" so that he can "connect... with the spiritual, but not religious people"... I could go on... ugh.
Posted by: 4ever4given | April 1, 2006 08:23 PM
You know, I could say that I "resonate" with what you wrote, but if I said that seriously (using that word) I'd have to slug myself for giving in to the machine of trendy-lingo-isms. AINT gonna happen, lol.
On a more serious note, you've nailed it about pain causing you to flee to the grace of God. I also have a few medical conditions that cause severe, blinding pain at times, and in learning how to better cope with them, I have to say my prayer life has drastically improved, my thoughts turn more to God's mercy and grace more often, and I just feel more thankful, more often.
If I had the opportunity to be pain-free, but had to give up those things too, I'd keep it. He's taught and IS teaching me a lot through this.
And I can tell by what you've written you know exactly what I mean.
It was good to read this - good to read someone else who sees it the same way.
SDG,
Carla
PS - I had to laugh at your reply at Pyro - as I thought "oh man, I popped her bubble, I'm a meanie!". :)
Posted by: Carla | April 1, 2006 08:58 PM
Carla,
Yes. When in pain, my dependance on the Lord becomes as it should be... so does my prayer life. It is funny how that works. Shouldn't I be just as dependant on my Lord through times of plenty and times of lean... times when pain-free, times when in such pain... heaven seems too far away.
I took a big risk quoting some of Douglas Wilson's stuff in light of the paedo-baptism thing... but hey... it was too funny and it fit way to perfectly. I have been slammed a bit lately, but not near what you have.
Yep... you've popped my bubble. That's a good thing. Too many are way too comfy out there. That is what I love about my pastor. I always walk away both encouraged and convicted. I tell him, "You certainly aren't out to win a popularity contest or you wouldn't preach what you preach or blog what you blog."
Well, Carla... you aren't out to win a popularity contest either. ha. If you were, I might make fun of you in my blog. I appreciate your diligence. A diligence obviously provided by our most holy Lord.
Posted by: 4ever4given | April 1, 2006 09:53 PM
Oh... and Carla, you look great in gold tights.
I have never been that flexible. wow.
(fide-o)
Posted by: 4ever4given | April 1, 2006 11:03 PM
You know, the questions you ask about your dependance on the Lord in regards to your pain - they are the same questions I ask myself.
Re: popping bubbles. Wouldn't it be nice if there were no bubbles to pop in the first place?
Re: popularity contests. Those are for flexi-chicks in gold tights. The fide-o boys should have put a caption on that pic that said "this is not Carla". Oh well. :o)
Posted by: Carla | April 2, 2006 07:45 AM
Yes, even the most "stellar" Christian has a bubble that needs to be popped. No more popping necessary when we get to heaven... no more pain either. But for now, I rest under the wings of my Lord knowing He has the best in store for me no matter how hard the trial.
I appreciate your input, Carla. It is nice to know someone out there gets it.
His servant for His glory!!!
Posted by: 4ever4given | April 2, 2006 04:36 PM