Divorcing Your Adopted Child

E-mail from Sheshe's husband:

"I think Lou Priolo's A Heart of Anger is particularly appropriate here. Much of what we are dealing with in these cases Is the "angry child." I suspect that if the parents would learn how not to provoke their children to wrath that most of the disruptions we have seen would never have happened. I will try to reply more this evening. I intended to reply this afternoon, but ended up in a two hour long Gospel presentation. It so neat to see a dead heart start to awaken."

E-Mail from Sheshe:

OK, ONE more thing. ;-) Please share the fact that the huge majority of disruptions are due to the mother's relationship with the child. In most cases, the mother is the one pushing for the disruption and the dad sometimes goes along with it in order to save his marriage. Actually, every single disruption we have seen involved mainly the mother/child relationship, but I do concede that there are probably some in which this is not the case.

What does this mean? Dads NEED to be involved in this process. In most cases the dad is not the spiritual head of the family and the mother is not the biblically submissive wife that she should be. Their marriage is simply not a biblically modeled one. I am sure you can see from this where the counseling needs to begin. This is very much a big part of the problem, if not the instigating factor.

Ha, you beat me to it, Lisa. Thanks!

Sheshe

Lisa, this is something I wrote to our pastor a while back on this subject. I will try to post more later.

I understand what you are saying. However, I have been struggling with this for awhile and have still not come to what I consider a settled answer. As often happens God exposes our limited understanding with circumstances that make us stretch our understand. Let me lay out what I see are the issues I am trying to settle. The first question is:

Is there Biblical grounds to make a distinction between biological children and adopted ones? I find nothing in Scripture that would make such a distinction. Since there appears to be no Biblical reasons to treat them differently, and since civil law makes no distinction (a disruption is done via the same laws that a mother uses to give her infant up for adoption), I cannot see how we can justify disruption except under the same circumstances that we would send a biological child out of our home. But even then, sending a child out of the home is not the same as permanently severing the parent-child relationship. A child could be sent away, and then restored when they repent.

As you say, the parent-child relationship is not intended to be permanent. However, the only Biblical reasons I can think of for dissolving that relationship are death, leaving and cleaving (Gen 2:25), and open rebellion (Deut 21:18-21). The first two clearly do not involve putting the child up for adoption, the third appears to be a case of turning over an adult or near adult child to the authorities for punishment. If we break this relationship in any other way than God has allowed, is this not sin? Are we not commanded to bring up our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord? If we sever that relationship, how can we do so?

Perhaps the confusion comes from viewing disruption as something different than giving a biological child up for adoption. But as far as I can tell that is all it is. According to the law of the land it is. From a Biblical standpoint the only real difference between biological and adopted that I can see is that you have made a formal covenant with your adopted child, while the biological one only has an implied covenant from the fact that you gave them birth. If for no other reason than that, it would seem that the breaking of that covenant would make disruption sin.

My concern is that, if we allow for disruption, it would seem that we could use the same justification to rid ourselves of biological children. If the God allows for that, then let it be so. However, it does not fit with my understanding of my obligation as a parent. Have I misunderstood that?

You have not misunderstood anything and I love what you have written. I know that you and your wife have struggled with this issues to the point of pouring out tears and pleading before the Lord as you counsel people NOT to "divorce" their adopted child. You are so right in saying that there should NOT be a distinction between a biological child and an adopted one.

You wrote: "the parent-child relationship is not intended to be permanent."

No... not when the "leave and cleave" comes into play.

Consider reading a recent post I made called Do I Treat Them Like They are Adopted? if you haven't already.

As my pastor's wife said in that post: "In light of all that, I guess we should treat all our children as adopted! After all, they're just "on loan" from God anyway!"

This is certainly an issue that requires much ongoing prayer and I thank you both for your diligence to dig into God's Word of Truth to seek the answers to these hard questions. I love what sheshe said in the article: "Since disruption itself is not addressed in the Bible, we must consider Biblical principles rather than absolute commands. Principles such as "let your yes be yes and your no be no", not breaking covenants, teaching and training the children in God's ways and many others are applicable."

Can you think of anymore books that can be recommended here?

Ok, here is some more of my thoughts. Some of this is a restatement of what I said earlier, but the first one I posted was a letter that had its own context. I have not quoted a lot of chapter and verse because there is in fact very little direct information in the Scriptures regarding physical adoption. We therefore must deal with these issues regarding principles of wisdom and through examine the other aspects of the situation through a biblical lens. If I am not clear on the principles or they need more explanation, please ask and I will expound and please correct me if I am wrong.

First what is adoption? There is very little mention of adoption in the Scriptures. The Greek word translated as adoption mean to “place as a son” or “to make a son.” Since the usages primarily refer to spiritual adoption, it would be stretching Scripture to come to any kind of doctrine of physical adoption from these passages. The best we can do is note the meaning of the word itself.

From a civil standpoint, it means much the same thing. Here is the Wikipedia definition for adoption:

Adoption is the legal act of permanently placing a child with a parent or parents other than the birth parents. Adoption results in the severing of the parental responsibilities and rights of the biological parents and the placing of those responsibilities and rights onto the adoptive parents. After the finalization of an adoption, there is no legal difference between biological and adopted children.

So to recast this in Biblical language, an adoption is covenant whereby a parent agrees to make a child his own, with rights and responsibilities equivalent to that of a biological child. Thus the only way an individual can sever a relationship with the child without breaking that covenant would be if he could also sever that relationship with a biological child. What then are the Biblical reasons for severing the parent child relationship?

1) Death
2) Marriage of the child (Leaving and cleaving - Gen 2:25)
3) Open rebellion (Deut 21:18-21) Note, however, that the context of this verse suggests that the child is an adult or near adult.

To date, I have seen no other reasons. In none of these cases does the parent relinquish their responsibilities toward that child. In the third case they do turn the child over to the civil authorities, but that is for them to administer punishment and the parents are the ones responsible for seeking out the punishment. The sin involved then is the breaking of this covenant without due biblical grounds.

However, we now get into the “but what about” cases.

For instance, there are cases where a biological child would be removed from the home. A medically fragile child might be placed in a facility where they can be properly treated. In such a case that child would still remain the responsibility of the parents. They would not turn ultimate responsibility over to someone else; they would simply delegate some of that responsibility to others for the benefit of the child. I would argue the case of a violent or dangerous child would fall under the same category. The child is still the responsibility of the parents; however they may delegate their authority to others for help in resolving particular problems.

I do see one exception to all of this. That is the case of a parent who is unable to fulfill their rights and responsibilities as a parent. An example would be a case where one parent is dead and the other is, because of illness or injury, unable to care for the child. Under such circumstance, I would think it proper for the parent to seek out another family to place the child in. Even under these circumstance though, the preferable choice would be that they remain the parent responsibility and the other family raise them under conditions that allow the biological parent to be involved to the degree they are able.

In all other cases we believe that it best that the parents change in whatever way is necessary to meet the needs of that child and parent them in a God honoring manner. Disruption in these cases would only be allowed as Moses allowed the giving of a certificate of a divorce because of “the hardness of their hearts.”

To date we have probably seen close to one hundred different disruption situations. Some we have had more details of than others, yet I think it fair to say that we have never seen a disruption that we felt Biblically justified. There are several cases where we would consider disruption the best option that was available, but this was because the parents were unwilling to confront their own sin and the safety of the child was at stake. In other words, it was not that there were no other biblical options available, but that because of the hardness of the parents’ hearts there was no other choice but to try to find a better situation for the child.

We have had several cases where the parents claimed that they were doing so because the child was violent and they needed to protect the other children. However, closer investigation showed that these claims were dubious at best. Either the violence was not really very severe or there was evidence that the parents were doing things to provoke them to wrath. To this day we do not believe that the parents in any of these cases pursued all available avenues to care for the child and still remain their parents. Invariably there was unresolved sin on the parents’ part with regard to the child.

To summarize the only grounds we would see for disruption is a case where the parents were unable to meet the needs of a child, and that there was no available option that would allow the parents to meet that need and still remain the child’s parents. Thus it would become necessary for the parents to seek out others who could meet the child’s needs. However, we would note that we have never seen an actual case where we believed that this situation existed. In all of the cases we are aware of, disruption was sought as an alternative to doing the hard work of meeting the needs of a difficult child. Rather than confront the sin in their own lives the parents sought to blame the child and then rid themselves of the problem rather than change.

I was a houseparent for teen girls in a Christian ministry. It was for long term care. One of the girls we had was an adopted girl from Romania. Her parents had adopted her when the appeal went out years ago for Christians to adopt Romanian children.

For years it was ok for the parents apparently until the girl got a bit older. She and her adoptive parents had a hard time attaching to each other. She came to live in our facility. Her parents stated that they just needed a break. We noticed the break stretched out longer and longer and visits further apart. Basically we felt that the parents did what they considered the right Christian thing to adopt this child, but the child did not turn out how they wanted, and she did not return a sort of gratitude that the parents felt they deserved. I agree that much more preparation needs to go into adoption processes.

It was a sad story for us who worked around many unwanted kids.

That is indeed a sad situation. A huge number of disruptions are due to the fact that the parents do not feel the child is "bonding" to them. What in the world does that mean?!! It means the child is not all warm and fuzzy to them like they want the child to be, basically. Many of these children have never had relationships with adults prior to adoption and to expect them to come right into a family and develop healthy relationships is unreasonable. Some of our eight adopted children love hugs, but some remain stiff as a board when you hug them. We are still commanded to love them with a biblical love, however. It is possible to love them in a biblical manner without even liking them, though. Consider the different cultures these children hail from. These cultures are often very, very different from our own and it is so important to understand these differences as you parent an internationally adopted child. A child abandoned in an orphanage may have never been nurtured. A child removed from an abusive home may have been had some healthy relationships and find it easire to "bond" in a family setting. We simply cannot expect more out of these children than they are able to give. We can love them, teach them and train them, all the while praying for God to soften their hearts.

A note on bonding - we have a daughter whom we adopted at the age of 14 from a disruption. She never had a healthy relationship with a female in her entire life before becoming our daughter. This child has come to me in tears before, telling me how happy she is to finally "have a Mom". She has "bonded" of her own volition although we were warned that it would never happen. By the grace of God...

Regarding the Romanian girl - sadly the Romanian government has put a stop to all international adoptions due to situations similar to this. We have friends who have testified before the EU regarding the need for these adoptions to resume, but the Romanian government remains steadfast in their decision. Sadly, I can see a basis for their hesitancy in the large number of disruptions.

Lisa,

This is a sensitive topic for me. We have one child who happens to be adopted. While we were on no lists, we were presented with an opportunity to adopt and we had five weeks to accept and to prepare ourselves before he was born. Many fathers have the benefit of 9 months to get ready. I had just the 5 weeks and that included travel time.

Anyway, as a Christian, I view our adoption of our son much in the way we've been adopted into the family of God. As you've stated, it's more than just an issue of birth. It's a deliberate covenant.

My son is just that-- my son. He's not my adopted son. I view him as my flesh and blood.

Now, I'm of an unusual case of adoption; and I realize that. God has intervened in quite a miraculous way with us.

But let me tell you all of the horror stories that we were filled with prior to the adoption. And then the stories kept coming after he was in our hands. Every authority figure in our lives had filled us with the notion that we were in for a rough road with the child, the birth family, the courts, social services, etc. We were even instructed by our pastor's wife to lie to social services about corporal punishment.

My wife and I were deeply affected by all of this. Then we came to a resolution. We would trust God through it all and deal as openly and honestly as possible. We told the social services exactly what we believed in spankings, and the reaction was what folks said it would be.

Hmm. Should we start to give in after that? We kept to what we resolved and God has taken care of everything along the way.

But let me remind you that we walked into this expecting the worse. The responsibility was not accepted on the basis of everything going well. We just refused to allow others to determine our outcome. We placed our daily trust in the Lord because we had no real alternative.

Could everything have gone the other way? Sure. Our son is only 6 so there's still plenty of opportunity for trials. But we continue to keep Proverbs 3:5-6 at heart as we ask God daily to confound everyone around us.

BTW, my sister is actually trying to adopt a troubled teenager who has been in and out of such situations. By all standards, she should flee. I'm grateful she is of the impression that the hardest child deserves a parent's unconditional love. Oh, my sister is not a Christian, either.

-Mike

In the case of all three of the girls we have adopted from disruptions, we never saw the problems we were told we would have with the girls. Certainly our most recent one was a good deal of trouble. However, this was primarily from her being hysterical over the disruption which they gave her no warning was coming. At fourteen and being very bright she understood all that was going on. Her world totally collapsed and she somehow got her a little upset over the whole thing.

The good news of course is that God used this to bring her to Himself. Not only is she now my daughter, but she is my sister in Christ. I have never seen a person change more in such a short period of time. Yes, God is sovereign over these situations.

Lisa,

You said: “Can you think of anymore books that can be recommended here?”

I do not know of any particular books with regard to the subject that are helpful (I frankly don’t know any on disruption). The thing we have seen is that what is really going on here is that these kids are very difficult to parent because of the mental, physical, and spiritual issues they bring with them. This exposes the sin and weakness in the adopting families. Many families respond to these challenges by changing. The ones that don’t seek to find another solution and blame the kids so that they can justify themselves in getting rid of them.

So the real problem is a problem either in the marriage relationship or the parents’ ideas of what it means to be a parent from a biblical standpoint. Thus as far as books I would recommend, it would depend on the family situation and what the underlying issues are. My first suggesting would be that the husband and wife step back and examine their marriage from a biblical standpoint.

Thus I would start with a good book on biblical marriage. I would add to these some basic books on biblical parenting and then ones on the particular issues the child has. Unfortunately, this may be a lot from the standpoint of someone who is in the middle of a crisis. When people start talking about disruption, they usually have gone beyond this point. They no longer want to try and fix it, they just want to get rid of it and start over.

As for sources of good books: I would recommend Grace and Truth Books that you link to at the start of this post and www.nanc.org which is has a number of very biblical resources on counseling.

There has been too little imitation of Christ in this.
Bonar writes, "We have come far short of the example of the apostles, much more of Christ; we are far behind the servants, much farther behind the Master. We have had little of the grace, the compassion, the meekness, the lowliness, the love of God's eternal Son. His weeping over Jerusalem is a feeling in which we have but little heartfelt sympathy. His "seeking of the lost" is little imitated by us. His unweary 'teaching of the multitudes' we shrink from as too much for flesh and blood. His days of fasting, His nights of watchfulness and prayer, are not fully realized as models for us to copy. His counting not His life dear unto Him that He might glorify the Father and finish the work given Him to do, is but little remembered by us as the principle on which we are to act. Yet surely we are to follow His steps; the servant is to walk where the Master has led the way; the under shepherd is to be what the Chief Shepherd was. WE MUST NOT SEEK REST OR EASE IN A WORLD WHERE HE WHOM WE LOVE HAD NONE."

That is what it boils down to... seeking ease where we should be toiling.

FatherofEleven and Sheshe, I say this to glorify God in your lives. But you 2 are one of few examples I can think of that wholeheartedly seek to imitate Christ in this difficult circumstance. The other is The Shepherd's Crook.

To God be ALL the glory for giving you the heart to fervently follow Christ as you raise up these dear children in the Lord.

Mike Y. I always appreciate reading about your life experiences and comments here. Thank you.

Candy these stories are tragic and should cause us to weep before the Lord for these "unwanted" children. That term just breaks my heart.

Matthew 19:14: "Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

This portion of Scripture keeps coming to mind when I think of the term "unwanted" children.

BTW, Out of the blue, Brendan came up to me last night and said he wanted a baby brother or sister. Chelle and I were like, "Where did that come from?" How's that for timing?

Here again is the link to Nouthetic Counseling. (I also have that link in the original post.)

And Mike Y., prayerfully consider contacting The Shepherd's Crook.

Mike, we very much understand the input that comes from often well meaning sources. When we adopted three teenagers at one time from Russia we heard it all. God was gracious, though, and he equipped us for that journey. I also tend to get frustrated when folks say, "Oh just wait until they are teenagers!!" (Or, "Just want until the are two years old...or three"... or whatever age the speaker is struggling with.) We have 11 teens and a ten year old in our home and we would have it no other way. (I am not saying there are no challenges, but they are at least old enough to reason with.) Teenagers are delightful and lots of fun. We often hear of parents who cannot get their teens to talk to them but we can hardly get ours to be quiet at times! By God's grace alone...

Mike, having adopted teens a number of times, we would be happy to help your sister if the needs arises.

I forgot to add something in that last post. I heartily second Lisa's comment regarding The Shepherd's Crook ministry. Bob and I have worked with Scott and Kathy a lot over the past few years and they are a very godly couple with hearts for special needs children.

sheshe,

That's great to hear. Wow, 12 kids!

I appreciate the offer for help with my sister. I'm not sure what she has to go through to make everything legal, but I think the child is now living with them in a foster arrangement. They're just trying to make it more permanent.

What was amazing was to hear the child question them as to why in the world they would want him. I'm sure a lot of teenagers feel that way at times.

My sister also has two teenagers of her own already. I'm just glad she has room in heart for another.

-Mike

Oh, Mike I have heard that question before. I have also been told "You don't want me" as a command. Talk about a setup for a Gospel presentation! As in: while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. That He came to seek and to save that which was lost. We love Him because He first loved us. etc. What is the Gospel but the Sovereign Lord of the Universe stooping down to save those who are totally unlovely, unworthy and unlovable?

The answer to that question:

Oh, beloved child as you are, so once was I in God's sight, and what He gave to me I now give to you, the love of a Father.

In an email, Lisa said:
"Because (and I could be wrong) it appears that most disruptions deal with older foreign children, though I know there will be some addressing of other circumstances like FAS in younger ones, etc."

I do not actually remember a case where the disrupted child was not a foreign child. SheShe may remember differently. Some have been younger and usually had FAS or some other condition. In those cases the parents seemed to be in the "we didn't order one of these so take it back" category. Of course, how someone adopts from Russia (for example) where 80% of the men and 50% of the women are alcoholics and not consider the possibility of FAS is beyond me. Still, what would have happened if they had a biological child with a birth defect, would they "send it back." Of course, the way our culture is headed, they will probably soon be able to apply for a "medically necessary", after-the-fact abortion.

I believe much of this stems from a view of children that is totally not Biblical. Children, according to the culture, are something we need to complete ourselves. They give us love, affection, and a way to produce something of value that will outlive us (our legacy). If they don't fulfill this role, then we should exchange them for one who does. After all, we do this with everything else, our cars, our televisions, our spouses.

Yet, how we expect needy little sinners to provide us with anything is beyond me. Especially when they come with the filth of this broken world smeared all over them as older adopted children do. No child in a third world country orphanage comes from an ideal background. Even one who had decent birth parents did not end up in an orphanage without some tragedy in their life that they will need help in dealing with.

These children should be seen as totally incapable of meeting any need we have or they have. We should adopt them for the sole purpose of showing to them the love of God that He may be glorified and they may be benefited. This means if they never show affection towards us, if they never return any kindness, if they never give any positive benefit to us in any way, we will demonstrate our love to them, because we proclaim the glory of Christ toward His people. Remember, such were we towards Him once. This is hard and by God's grace it seldom comes to such total self-sacrifice. Yet, if this is our mindset, we will see anything good that comes our way in this regard as what it is, a blessing from Almighty God.

I want to gently encourage everyone to consider using spell-check before you post. This is such a serious topic and readers will take what you have written more seriously if you take the time to make sure things are spelled correctly. I fail at this sometimes, too. However, it can turn away readership and this is one of those topics that people really need to read about.

His servant for HIS glory.

Spel cheek os fot lossers.

six munce ago i coudn't evn speell gwaduate now i are one.

leave it to me..

Here is this perfectly wonderful and serious thread and the only "imput" I have is to mock lisa's suggestions. Oh well. I guess that's my lot in life.

It is a #^%@ poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word. -- Andrew Jackson

Seriously Lisa, spell checkers are not foolproof for those of us who tend to type phonetically. I tend to type valid words that sound like the one I want. The spell checker has no way of catching these. I know the difference, but I do not always have time to proof everything carefully. In fact, anything that requires perfect spelling and or grammar goes to Sheshe for editing first. So I beseech you on behalf of all the phonetically challenged to let love cover over the sin of the occasional misspelling.

"...let love cover over the sin of the occasional misspelling."

No problem. As long as everyone knows that it is a sin to misspell... (chuckle)... I do not want the spell-check to hinder anyone from commenting.

:-)

Roadkill... ewe R funee

My husband chuckled at the spell -check request (which I actually wrote because of 3 e-mails from 3 different people requesting that spell-check be run). He will tell you he is the worst speller out there (and I will lovingly confirm that). Even though my husband has a B.S. and a Masters in accounting, is a C.P.A. and an M.D., he still can't spell.
My dad is the same way... and I have lost count of how many Masters degrees he has.
I realize having time to run spell-check can be a factor. And no, it doesn't catch everything...

So God-willing, we can look past that and see the heart of the issue.

I know, Lisa. It is painful for the writer in us to see typos, isn't it? I must be an editor at heart. How do billboards with misspelled words affect you? Arrrgghhh, they drive me crazy. Well, at least it is a short drive...

Yes, it is painful... but I admit, I misspell words often.
And FatherofEleven, did you know there are 2 ways, according to dictionary.com, to spell benefited (benefitted)?

Now... back on topic:

I found this in regards to disruption adoption insurance:

Imagine the peace of mind you will have knowing your financial investment is secure. One quick online application and payment and you can concentrate on the joys of preparing for your new arrival.

This is in regards to adopting a child under 2 years old where the biological parents have suddenly changed their minds.

80 to 90% of adoptions are successful, according to Rita Laws, Ph.D. (in other words, 10 to 20% fail) "Adoption failure risk increases when proper adoption practices are not followed... Adopting children is not like buying shoes. You can't try a pair on for size, discard it if the fit or appearance isn't perfect, and go on to the next ones."

Also according to Rita Law, Ph.D., "If the adoption has already been finalized, parental rights must be terminated and court involvement will be required. Sometimes, child support payments will be assigned until the child is adopted by someone else or turns 18 years old. I have heard of cases where child support was required past the age of 18 and until high school graduation... Returning the child to the country of birth, if internationally adopted, is morally repugnant..."

Cindi Lash, a news reporter that did extensive research on disruptions, concluded her article with, "Disruption is a hundred times worse than divorce. It's divorcing your child."

None of this is written to discourage adoption. It is written to help people understand what adoption is about. For starters it is not about getting patted on the back for doing a good deed. Adoption is a privilege and an opportunity to be reminded daily of who you are in Christ.
Who are you? You are a sinner. And if you are a genuine believer, you are adopted into the Kingdom of God while you were yet a filthy sinner.
And if you have adopted a child or you are thinking about adopting, then remember who YOU are as an adopted child of God. That way you can be a merciful, forgiving parent that loves your child deeply even when they are not "lovable".

So, what is the answer? First of all, "Fear God and keep His commandments." Secondly, "prepare, prepare, prepare..." Parents cannot over prepare for the adoption of a child, particularly an older one.

Lisa, a couple of emails I sent you were returned. I tried to send them again.

Blessings
Ramona

That might be because I have 500 e-mails in my inbox. Call me.

Thanks Lisa, I never get tired of this topic, although
it deeply saddens me. Hmmmmm, am I like a moth drawn
to a flame? :-)

We continue to pour over this subject as John and I
have been contacted for counseling numerous times by
struggling adoptive parents, and by people seeking a
family to "re-home" their adopted child.

We've found NANC related material, counselors, and
authors to be of the greatest help to us personally,
and as we counsel others (2 Cor. 1:3-7 NAS).

Keep pressing on, sister! ---Connie D. (mom of two Siberian Princesses adopted at ages 9 and 12.5) :-)

Lisa,

I’m a single woman from the UK who was adopted at the age of six weeks. I grew up in a wonderful, loving Christian family and I love my adoptive parents dearly. They ARE my parents, period!

Nine years ago I traced the lady who gave me up for adoption when she was a lonely, scared, unmarried teenage mum in the judgemental England of 1962. I have an excellent relationship with my birth-mother and we keep in touch regularly. I know several adoptees who have reunited with their birth parents – some stories turn out well, like mine; others not so well. It’s an emotional rollercoaster, and you have to go into it with your eyes wide open. I made my decision with much care and prayer, and had excellent support networks around me at the time.

I think you can imagine my gut-reaction to the concept of anyone ‘divorcing’ an adopted child! Anger, dismay and disgust don’t even begin to cover it. The damage done, humanly speaking, is irreparable.

I had a loving, stable childhood, but even so, I still had my share of abandonment/rejection issues (all adopted people do, whether they acknowledge this or not.) My heart goes out to today’s adoptees, who are usually much older children than the generation of adoptees I belong to (most of us were babies) – they have already been through a horrific process of broken bonds and broken trust. Adopting these children is no easy task. Why should they trust anyone ever again?

So I deeply appreciate the rich spiritual insights in this thread and thank God for the Christian families who take such a prayerful and careful – and theologically informed - attitude towards adoption. I have no words to express my gratitude to our heavenly Father for our spiritual adoption in Christ. What a marvellous truth. :)

Philippa,
Thank you so much for commenting. There are 2 other women I know of that comment on my blog that were adopted as children and I am always blessed by what they write as well.
To God be ALL the glory!!! for our adoption through Christ.
Lisa

I am getting a HUGE amount of e-mails about this. Things being written that would prove valuable to this post. I do not require the URL to post comments here. I only require your name or nickname and your e-mail that will not be displayed.
Please consider posting your comments here, unless you need to privately discuss something with me.

His servant for HIS glory,
Lisa

Early in this discussion the following guidelines were posted:

What then are the Biblical reasons for severing the parent child relationship?

1) Death
2) Marriage of the child (Leaving and cleaving - Gen 2:25)
3) Open rebellion (Deut 21:18-21) Note, however, that the context of this verse suggests that the child is an adult or near adult.

Would this not also apply to adoption in general? Although some adoptions involve children who have been previously abandoned, some are presented as a good option for the mother or father who does not want the responsibility of parenting their child.

Anne Marie, I don't quite understand your question. These three principles would actually apply to any parent/child relationship, whether biological or adopted.

Anne Marie,

Two sides to this question. One from the sending parents side. The answer is that it would not be right for them to put up a child simply because they did not want to take care of a child. There is the issue of what about someone who cannot take care of their child, such as through illness. My hope would be that some other family would come along and HELP raise the child, allowing the biological parent to be involved to the degree possible and, if circumstances changed, allowing the biological parent to resume their responsibilities. However, if no such family could be found, I would have to say that wisdom would grant the possibility of putting up the child for adoption, for the child's sake. In the case of an unwed mother, if someone brought me a sixteen year old with an infant, I would prefer to adopt the sixteen year and help her raise the infant or find another family who would do so than to adopt the infant.

On the other side, I do not believe that it would always be wrong for parents to adopt a child that was put up for adoption because the parents refuse to care for them. This is, in essence, abandonment. Still my preference would be to find a way to help the parent keep the child than adopt the child. Thus I would proceed with extreme caution in such cases, lest we be guilty of facilitating their sin. To shield the child from the consequences of another person's sin is good, to help the other person commit that sin is itself sin. Much wisdom is needed in such cases. We have been in such a situation with the girls we adopted from disruption. We did so with counsel from our elders and other godly men and women. We only proceed when it became clear that the girls were going to be disrupted one way or another. The only question left was whether we would take them or not.

Hope that helps

Here is an e-mail from a friend that was my roommate while I was in college at JBU and a co-worker at Dayspring Greeting Cards (over 15 years ago... yikes):

"I read about your "Divorcing Your Child" topic on your blog, and it was very interesting! I whole-heartedly agree. I guess in ignorance I hadn't thought that even went on. I thought that parents adopted, were thrilled at having a child, and the child was theirs, period.

Y'know, there are so many biological kids who give their parents such grief. (Good grief---I gave my parents grief!) But people don't think of getting rid of them.

(re: adoption)...We're praying about whether to go domestic or international at first. We'd like to eventually do both."

My response: Most people have no clue that this goes on.

From what I've seen, some people enter adoption knowing it will change their lives, but not quite realizing the extent of the impact adoption will have on them and their families.

While I'm just horrified at the thought of parents "divorcing" their children--adopted or otherwise--I know that adoption and parenthood are not a walk in the park.

A dear woman I know has three adopted daughters. The oldest with severe physical restrictions and Reactive Attachment Disorder. The RAD has led to unimaginable difficulties for the family as a whole, and the individuals wtihin the family. Last I heard, the RAD adoptive child ran away. . . In spite of the amazing love and commitment this family has for her.

Sometimes love is not enough. Like in marriage, still divorce is not an answer that will solve the problems.

We have adopted 4 children. Two children were adopted domestically at birth & two were adopted at age 8 & 10 years from Romania after 6 years of institutionalization per child. The adjustment was easy for one infant & for the 8 year old. Both of them are now juniors in college & doing well. The other two have had many difficulties. However, they are all our children & we would never have considered "divorcing them". Families need to realize that being allowed to raise a child, biological or adopted, is one of the greatest gifts & responsibilities that God has given them. To refuse to accept the gift or to "throw it away" when they tire of it & the novelty wears off is the greatest form of pride & ingratitude. If that is not sin, what is?

Joan

My internet access has been down due to construction at our home. One of the guys busted through several lines. That is why there was a delay in publishing your comment.
I sincerely appreciate your insight and fully agree with you Joan. Thank you for taking the time to write your thoughts on this. I still get alot of readers on that particular post.
Press on, dear sister, in His truth and His love for His glory,
Lisa