Above is a pic of my youngest daughter and me.
My Husband, My brother in Christ
Do I treat them like they are adopted?
I have been struggling with this question in regards to our adopted twin boys. In tears I pray that I treat them as though they came from my own body. I know that I love them OH SO DEEPLY!
The following is an e-mail from my pastor's wife. I poured out my heart to her with this concern. Here is her response:
I've been praying for the sufficiency of Christ to be real to you this morning. We say we believe God is sovereign in our lives and we sing "The Joy of the Lord is My Strength" but that doesn't make the living out of it easy. Christ IS sufficient to meet the needs of your life today!
I've been thinking about what it means to "treat them like they are adopted." I'm guessing that the real implication is that those who are "not adopted" are being shown favoritism over those who are. So, would treating the twins as if they were "not adopted" mean showing them favoritism? That makes me wonder what "favoritism" is. "Favoritism" is defined by Webster's as "the showing of special favor: partiality." For a mom to show "special favor" to one or two children over the others would mean what? Maybe she would spend more time with those children than the rest. Maybe she would take the time to explain things more fully to those children than the rest. Maybe she would demonstrate forgiveness more readily to those children than the rest. Well, guess what? In light of the time you spend with the twins, the extent of conversation you have with the twins and the amount of times you are required to forgive them in a day, it is my conclusion that you have been showing favoritism to the twins and have been treating your other children as if they were adopted! How's that for logic!
By the way, I've also been thinking that being treated as "adopted" is quite an honor. "And ye were by nature the children of wrath, even as others. Now, therefore, ye are no more strangers and foreigners, but fellow-citizens with the saints, and of the household of God." Adopted! — Eph. 2:3, 19. "And I will be a father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty." Adopted! — 2 Cor. 6:18. The twins are adopted! They know it, you know it and the other children know it. It's impossible to change that! If it had not been God's intention for them to be adopted into your family, then you would have given birth to them yourself, but you didn't. Just like your other children, they have been given to you as a gift. Not only that, but you were given the opportunity to choose this gift! They are a picture of our adoption into the family of God. God chooses, plans, provides, pays and does all that is necessary to make us a part of His family. We are not worthy of it, nor do we even want it. He is patient with us, teaching us daily, spending the time necessary to discipline us and to cause us to be conformed to the image of His Son (you know, the one that wasn't adopted). God loves His firstborn Son and the cost of our adoption was the sacrifice of that Son. I don't want to forget that I'm adopted or the cost of it. Instead, I want to honor the Son who was willing to have me as a co-heir with Him. Adoption doesn't mean "less" but it also doesn't mean "the same." Equal, yet different. Sometimes you're going to treat the twins different than you do the other kids. Maybe because they're twins! Maybe because they have gifts and talents the other kids don't! Maybe because they're little boys! Maybe because their sin issues are different from the other kids! Maybe because they know just the right buttons to push to make you crazy! Or maybe, just maybe, you may treat them different sometimes just because they are adopted! You made a choice to have them as your own! You wept over their circumstances! You prayed for the Lord's guidance and took a difficult step of faith! You decided to pay the cost of joining them to your family! You gave them your name and called them your own! They daily remind you of who you are in Christ. How could you possibly look at them in any other way than as "my adopted children!"
In light of all that, I guess we should treat all our children as adopted! After all, they're just "on loan" from God anyway!
Comments
Please tell your pastor's wife that she did an excellent job writing on this topic.
My husband and I have 11 children, eight of whom we adopted. We also have a teenage cousin living with us indefinitely. Do we treat our kids differently from each other? You bet we do!! We treat each of them as THEY should be treated, according to their particular struggles, challenges, talents and abilities. Over the years there has been as much jealousy coming from our biological children as there has from the adopted children. I have seen this in other families, too. Our firstborn daughter has commented that she "doesn't have a story" to tell folks, whereas all of our adopted kids have fascinating backgrounds. A good friend has a daughter who told people she was adopted from Russia, although she was actually their only biological daughter.
Where do these jealousies come from? Sin, of course. We want what someone else has/had. We tell our kids over and over that we treat them each how THEY need to be treated and we do not apologize for not treating them "alike". The best example we have is with our deaf daughter. Should we go out and get hearing aids for all of the other kids, in order to treat them alike? That sounds silly, but yet it illustrates the point.
God has made each of us unique, thankfully. My husband and I strive to find out what each of our kids are really like and then we love them according to that picture, not according to what their siblings are like.
We make mistakes, probably on a daily basis. But those mistakes are wonderful opportunities for us to teach our kids about real life. Just yesterday I had to go to the library and pay for a book that I had apparently damaged unknowingly. Our eldest son had checked it out and I was returning it for him. Somehow it got wet, thus damaging the book. The look on my son's face when he realized I went and paid $29.95 for a library book because of mistake I made was worth much more than the cost of the book.
So, by catering to our kids' desire to be treated the same, are we encouraging their sin of jealousy? Perhaps we need to examine ourselves and our motives.
As parents we do indeed need to keep a very close eye on how we treat our children, however. Some kids (and people in general) are simply more "lovable" than others. That is a pitfall that we need to be on the lookout for. I sometimes wonder if I am spoiling our youngest son because he is so very sweet and cute. He has never been any trouble for us, so little discipline has been needed. On the other hand, some of our kids have required a great deal of time and effort on our part, due to discipline issues or other needs.
Keep up the good work, Lisa. Love those kids according to who God has made them to be.
Posted by: sheshe | June 8, 2006 07:04 PM
I think adoption is a wonderful thing. Afterall, aren't we adopted into God's family. We were the worst of the worst deserving nothing and under a death sentance. Yet God sacrificed His own Son on the cross. His blood purchased us from that death sentance. And then in His perfect timing He regenerated our hearts so that the process of conforming us unto the image of His son could begin. Then as we repented and believed He justified us and ADOPTED us into the family of God. The pain we go through now is sancfitying us so that we can become Christ-like.
Adoption is wonderful. Those twins of yours are the cutiest little boys! I am sure you love them as your own because they are. Just as our adoption by God makes us His children so are those two boys yours and your husband's. Our parenting insticts are a gift from God. My children are grown, yet I am still a worried parent around our neighbor's kids. And no matter how old my own children get they are still mine. My daughter is actually my wife's daughter. She was three when Ina and I married. I love her as if she is my own. I gave her away at her wedding a few months ago and it was tough. She is one of my favorite people.
God has blessed you with a wonderful family, wonderful church family and many friends all over the blogosphere. We are all praying for you as you deal with MS.
I can always tell how good a parent is by looking at their children's love and respect for them. By what I have read on this blog, you are a very good parent indeed.
In Christ
Mike Ratliff
Posted by: Mike Ratliff | June 8, 2006 09:33 PM
Lisa,
I know you've read this before, but perhaps it bears mentioning here-perhaps some of your readers will benefit from it if they have the opportunity to read it. It's my article on adoption, written from an adult adoptee's (that's me) perspective. I would just post it here, but it's way too long.
Of course, there is one section that discusses adoptees in public school settings, so that's not applicable in your particular case, but the rest may be beneficial. I also think the comments folks have left there bring up very excellent points.
By the way, your pastor's wife is "spot-on" here, as well!! Very nice response and very insightful.
Steph
Posted by: little_gal66 | June 9, 2006 11:33 AM
What a wise woman she is! I love what she wrote.
BTW, I'm adopted. Mom and Dad brought me home when I was three weeks old. Never a moment in my growing up was there a problem. (My parents were 'miraculously' conceived on their own, and my brother was born 3 1/2 years after me)
I think my parents handled it with much wisdom. I always knew I was adopted - thankfully I didn't find out some big 'family secret' when I was older. On the other hand, I was their child as much as any biological kid. :)
As a matter of fact, in Texas, (don't know about other states) a person cannot legally 'disown' an adopted child as one can with a biological. Weird, huh? :)
Anyway, heed your pastor's wife's words. They are all your children, no matter how they came to you. Each is special, unique in his/her own makeup. Each a gracious gift from the Father!
Posted by: Gayla | June 9, 2006 12:31 PM
Sheshe, my mentor and friend. Thank you for your pearls of wisdom.Your simple deaf daughter illustraion was actually quite profound
Mike R., I always appreciate your heartfelt prayers and words of encouragement.
Littlegal and Gayla, I do not know how to even begin to tell you how much your words mean to me... reading about what this is about from your perspective as adults that were adopted is so valuable.
Yes, each of my children are special. Unique and dear to my heart. Equal yet different.
Posted by: 4ever4given | June 9, 2006 03:46 PM
Lisa, fantastic reflections. The reason of the redeemed produces wonder.
Now for a semi-unrelated comment...
I sure hope a woman like you isn't just being a wonderful mother to her kids. I SURE hope you're discipling a young woman or two in your church. I know around 100 girls that I'm sending your way if the answer is 'no'.
Churches should have a sign that reads "God honoring women needed". The situation is desperate. PLEASE, PLEASE, don't JUST blog.
Posted by: The_Armchair_Theologian | June 11, 2006 02:44 AM
Hey Armchair,
My husband and I are fairly new to this area. We moved here just last Fall. The Lord was abundantly good to us in providing a sound church immediately. Of which we call our family. We pray diligently that we are serving this family for the glory of God in whatever areas He calls us to serve.
I have to say, blogging is a very tiny contribution to ministry. I initially began blogging half-heartedly. Not taking it very seriously. Not realizing that it would actually be a small form of ministry. I am apparently very long winded. ha.
We have several God-honoring women in our small church. They are a beautiful picture of Titus 2 women. This is a praying church. A church that has come through some very tough times. (e.g. My pastor introduced the Doctrines of Grace to this once strongly Arminian church.)
Let us all seek to serve and not to be served... just as our Lord.
Lisa
Posted by: 4given | June 11, 2006 04:18 PM