This is where I am right now...

I find it so sweet to receive e-mails from people telling me they are praying for me... asking how I am doing with the MS stuff. I was sent an e-mail from someone who told me they are doing the MS bike-a-thon in my name... and I have never met them personally, though I am sure it would be a blessing to meet them. I was also recently blessed by a comment from another person who has MS. I do sincerely appreciate your prayers and words of encouragement. Because so many have inquired about the MS again via e-mail, I felt it best to respond here.

Most of you know I was diagnosed in 1999. Some have read about the fact that the exacerbations are becoming more frequent and the lesions are increasing. Two in particular are quite large. I have started taking Rebif. It is a sub-Q injection I give myself 3 times a week. The first 2 weeks, they started me on a low dose. Last night I began another higher dose 2 week round that went from 8mcg to 22mcg. And then I will begin the final dose level of 44mcg. This is not a cure. There is no cure. And until there is one, I will be doing these injections for the rest of my life.

There was a bit of a transition for me... starting on injections again. The low dose has been a challenge. My focus has been to enjoy the four days a week that I am not sick and to spend my sick days focusing on prayer needs within my family and other people, praying for the strength to enjoy the blessing of homeschooling my 6 children. God is so faithful... so good to me. I still get in the way of God's faithfulness. It has been, by the grace of God alone, 2 steps forward, 1 step back, etc.

The higher dose... well, I was a bit nervous. Within an hour of this injection that I took last night I had a hard time breathing. It felt like someone was stabbing my spine with an ice pick and my skin... it hurt to be touched. Even the slightest brush against my skin. And I have children that want to be held. Especially my 3 year old. Then my husband came home and I took it all out on him. I thank God that he has broad shoulders and a forgiving heart.

My husband had to go into the hospital this morning (he is a physician)... and the pain was escalating. So I called my pastor's wife. Asking for help is not my forte... I'm an onion, and that pride thing has some thick layers. But God is patient and I have alot to learn. Needless to say, she didn't hesitate to come over. Her sweet daughter helped take care of my 4 little ones. Her son helped distract my older boys and she... well, she read me the word of God, prayed with me, talked with me as those tears kept pouring. The Lord used her to bring comfort and encouragement.

She read I Samuel Chapters 28-30. What stuck out to both of us was Ch. 30:6, Moreover David was greatly distressed because the people spoke of stoning him, for all the people were embittered, each one because of his sons and his daughters But David strengthened himself in the LORD his God.

It caused me to reflect on Psalm 19:2: The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

How did David strengthen himself in the LORD his God?
Probably through embracing God's knowable proven Truth by praying with a heart of praise despite his circumstances... for God is faithful. Perfectly faithful.

In my hours of deep distress what do I beleive? I can write about truth, I can study theology... can I apply it when I am being pressed on every side? I know that wherever I am, I can find the throne of grace by prayer. God's Word is worthless to me if I do not apply what I know. Through this time will I wait on the Lord in patient expectation of what He will work in all of this for His glory?

Lord forgive my complaints and fears. I repent, Father. For I have taken steps back in the midst of this trial. But you are a faithful God even when I am not. Your mercy overwhelms me. I want to rejoice in times of affliction. I want to bring honor to Your holy name. "You are my hope; O Lord God, You are my confidence..." Forgive me, Lord. Help me not to waver in unbelief, help me to grow strong in my faith and bring glory to you alone. (Romans 4:20)

It is Thursday... and we have our church family over for Bible Fellowship in our home led by our pastor. I had to stay in my bedroom the whole time everyone was here, but my bedroom was right next to where they were worshiping in song and teaching. I could hear most everything. They asked if they should meet somewhere else. I said please no. They blessed me by being in my home even though I could not sit in there with them, my heart rejoiced in song, in prayer, and I was blessed by the teaching. They are family... and I love to hear their voices.