Real Christians Don't Get Depressed! Right?

First and foremost READ THIS.

Apparent side-effect of the medication I am on: some patients treated with interferons, including Rebif, have become seriously depressed, and depression and suicidal thoughts are known to occur with some increasing frequency.

Written to a friend:

I could really use your prayers. I am a bit overwhelmed and it has thrown me into depression. I have much to be thankful for but feel like I am going through the motions. My neurologist told me that the injections I am on can actually exacerbate depression and I assured her that I would be fine. "I trust the Lord" you see. How can a real Christian fall into depression? Right? But my neurologist warned me. The medication has definitely shrunk the brain lesions. I have had so few noticeable MS symptoms and increasingly feel physically better. In exchange, I guess, for depression. (major cause of death in MS patients: suicide) I can't write about it on the website. I am actually really embarrassed. [sidenote: apparently I can't help myself] Again, my neurologist strongly cautioned me. "There have been a large amount of cases in which there have been profound physical recoveries on this medication... and a large amount of those same people committing suicide." Now, I am not there. But the on-going depression has hit pretty hard and I am now contemplating anti-depressants even though I have been against such medication. I can't go on like this and I feel at a loss as to what the right thing to do is...

I welcome your advice. I covet your prayers.

Rebif is considered a "black box" medication by the FDA because of the high potential for serious side-effects. Interferon (beta-1a), the main drug in Rebif, is actually a natural protein released by cells of the body in response to viruses and other disease-causing microorganisms. For me to take this medication, it costs around $34,000 a year. Our insurance covers some of that, but not all of it.

I honestly still dread the injections even though the physical benefit has been enormous. I literally feel like I have the flu 3 times a week about an hour after I take the injection, and up to 12 hours later. The flu-like symptoms have gotten better because I have learned to manage them... or deal with them. I still hover that needle over my skin praying for the strength to inject it. I should be more thankful because I was seriously looking at a wheelchair. I am thankful... But it is difficult when we get the bill for the medication. I do feel guilty.

It is recommended that I take the medication before I go to bed so I will sleep through the side-effects. The problem is that I do not sleep and I need the sleep, so I take the injection in the morning. Other side-effects of the medication include liver problems, severe headaches, anemia, hair loss, nausea, difficulty concentrating, joint pain, dizziness and seizures...(there's more, but this is getting discouraging)

Now I guess I owe everyone that reads this $10 because I do have a little sign that I got from Carla that says "There is a $10 fee for whining."
(OUCH!!! on Carla's No Pity post.)

...back on break. Life is a bit... hard right now.

On Break

Life is a bit busy right now.

Steadfast Courage Defined

HERE is a story of courage, survival, a life lived to its fullest.

"If I am going to die, my baby is going to live."

"When Liam is old enough, I won't tell him that Lorraine gave her life for him, but I will say she made sure he had a good chance of life. She told me she didn't want him to feel bad about it."

Oh YUCK!!!

I find that God sometimes employs very creative ways of getting my attention. Here is one such example:
Yesterday I could not find my phone so I asked my 14 year old to use his phone to call my phone so I would have a better chance of finding it. It was freezing outside, so I simultaneously asked him to also start the van to get it warmed up. Uh oh!!! Never ask a male teenager to multi-task. What was I thinking?
I got in the freezing van that he forgot to start not realizing he was calling my phone that I still could not locate. He ended up leaving a very long message on my phone because I distracted him with my griping. Yep! The message on my cell phone that I got to listen to, after I finally found it, was me griping at my son.
Oh brother! Is that what my son hears? Is that what I sound like? YUCK!!!!
When I picked the kids up from school, I took my older boys aside and told them that I got to listen to myself. I apologized for my hateful sounding words. That's right. Hateful. And I HAD NO IDEA that I sounded like that.
I was thinking, "Oh, they'll hug me and maybe say something like, 'It's okay mom, we still love you' or 'we forgive you.' or maybe even say they didn't notice or that it wasn't that bad."
Ummmm..... no.
My oldest son says, "Well yes, and you didn't even get to hear yourself at full volume."
Then we all burst out laughing as my heart sunk to my stomach. I hugged them and sincerely apologized.
Ugh.
See what I mean about God being creative about getting my attention?
When I was listening to this horrid message... and it was l-o-n-g!... I kept wanting to hang up. I couldn't take myself anymore. BLEH. But then James 1:23-26 came to mind. A necessary conviction overwhelmed me. I forced myself to listen. Why? Because what spewed from my mouth into the ears of my son was reprehensible. No, I did not cuss or call him names. But the tone. It was the tone. My tone was like poison. I want to be a blessing to my children... even when they need to be confronted. I had to listen to the whole message so that it would sink in... so that I could genuinely repent. This was God's way of providing me with a clear and abiding sense upon [my] mind and conscience of the guilt, danger, and evil of [my] sin. Now go read THIS. It is really good.

The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, But the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things. Proverbs 15:27-29

Organized but Flexible

When I have a lot going on I keep a pen and a piece of paper by the bed so that I can write it down and forget it until the morning. Otherwise, I will stay awake all night, tossing and turning, thinking about the list in my head because I am afraid I will forget what needs to get done. I kept having to add to the list of things to get done as I lay in bed last night. *shew* It was long.

I did not realize how much of a list person I truly am until a friend came up to me and pointed out that my 7 year old daughter makes lists in the playtime between her daughter and my daughter. My daughter apparently makes a list of what they are going to do and marks out accomplished tasks as they go along... playing.

As long as my desire to be organized is balanced with the need to be flexible is passed along as well.

The science fair project due date is coming upon us and I will therefore be a little consumed with guiding my children with that... along with so many other things that appear to be pressing.

Lord... just help me lay it all aside if You have other appointments for me. Help me to keep my eyes and heart open to what You want me to accomplish in the midst of this business. Help me to prioritize and keep me from taking the stress of it out on those I love. Help me to serve my husband with joy even though I just don't seem to have the time for him right now. And most of all, help me to be still in this time and make studying Your Word and praying for those You lay on my heart a priority... please help me to not forget to delight in You.

If only...

I didn't read my Bible... if I was just content reading other books about the Bible so that I could be tossed to and fro by every wind of Doctrine... I could just listen to sermons and sit back and not be compelled to be a Berean, testing all things against God's Holy Word. Wouldn't my life be easier if I did not know what I know and long to know my God more deeply?

Continue reading "If only..." »

Pics of Our Family

Household Sick, Science Fair and Air-brushed Wrinkles

Thankfully it is not the stomache flu. But there is fever, throat pain and chest congestion in over half of our family.

We are also in the midst of doing a required science fair project for the school. yikes. Thankfully my boys can partner up along with one of our neighbors, who is a fellow classmate. The project is called "The House That Jack (almost) Burnt" and is based on an experience with a 6 year old neighbor boy named Jack(son) that came home from school one day and flipped his wristband into his bedroom. It landed inside his bedroom light fixture and emitted both an odor and smoke, which caused his mother quite a scare because she couldn't figure out where it was coming from and if she needed to call the fire department or not. She finally figured it out and told us what happened later... resulting in the birth of our inspiration.

When I get enough energy I will post our family pictures we recently had done. I wish I really looked like what I look like in the pictures... they air-brushed out most of my wrinkles. :-D

Miraculous Intervention

As sad as I am to say this, unless there is miraculous intervention, we will not be able to go to the "Together for the Gospel" conference like we had planned. This is because the anesthesiologist my husband and his partner just hired had to schedule his oral boards during that time and Jon cannot leave the others high and dry.
Either we will have to go to a different conference... or like I said... miraculous intervention.

God is sovereign. Even in my disappointment, I will rest in that.

Why Godly People Will Always Disagree

I really needed to read THIS POST today.
Here is an excerpt:

This is the root of disagreement: presumption. When we hold an opinion about the character of God that doesn't come to us from scripture, but from our own moral presumption - we are going to disagree with people who have different moral presumptions about God, and we will disagree with those who have no moral presumptions about God.

You see, we are all sinners, and as such although all we receive the same truth, we all filter that truth through our own systems - some of less presumptuous, and some more, some are saturated biblically, some less so - and depending upon how well we navigate through what we know about God from scripture and what have presumed about God because we think God would "be like that" - we end up with the core hermeneutic through which we understand scripture: Our estimation of the Character of God.

...I believe that no matter how men might disagree theologically, yet truly godly men not only are able to agree in the Spirit, but are even required to do so. If there are five men on a counsel, whatever their theology, if they are all truly Christians, they can be agreed in the Spirit if they are humble men.