Above is a pic of my youngest daughter and me.
My Husband, My brother in Christ
Real Christians Don't Get Depressed! Right?
First and foremost READ THIS.
Apparent side-effect of the medication I am on: some patients treated with interferons, including Rebif, have become seriously depressed, and depression and suicidal thoughts are known to occur with some increasing frequency.
Written to a friend:
I could really use your prayers. I am a bit overwhelmed and it has thrown me into depression. I have much to be thankful for but feel like I am going through the motions. My neurologist told me that the injections I am on can actually exacerbate depression and I assured her that I would be fine. "I trust the Lord" you see. How can a real Christian fall into depression? Right? But my neurologist warned me. The medication has definitely shrunk the brain lesions. I have had so few noticeable MS symptoms and increasingly feel physically better. In exchange, I guess, for depression. (major cause of death in MS patients: suicide) I can't write about it on the website. I am actually really embarrassed. [sidenote: apparently I can't help myself] Again, my neurologist strongly cautioned me. "There have been a large amount of cases in which there have been profound physical recoveries on this medication... and a large amount of those same people committing suicide." Now, I am not there. But the on-going depression has hit pretty hard and I am now contemplating anti-depressants even though I have been against such medication. I can't go on like this and I feel at a loss as to what the right thing to do is...I welcome your advice. I covet your prayers.
Rebif is considered a "black box" medication by the FDA because of the high potential for serious side-effects. Interferon (beta-1a), the main drug in Rebif, is actually a natural protein released by cells of the body in response to viruses and other disease-causing microorganisms. For me to take this medication, it costs around $34,000 a year. Our insurance covers some of that, but not all of it.
I honestly still dread the injections even though the physical benefit has been enormous. I literally feel like I have the flu 3 times a week about an hour after I take the injection, and up to 12 hours later. The flu-like symptoms have gotten better because I have learned to manage them... or deal with them. I still hover that needle over my skin praying for the strength to inject it. I should be more thankful because I was seriously looking at a wheelchair. I am thankful... But it is difficult when we get the bill for the medication. I do feel guilty.
It is recommended that I take the medication before I go to bed so I will sleep through the side-effects. The problem is that I do not sleep and I need the sleep, so I take the injection in the morning. Other side-effects of the medication include liver problems, severe headaches, anemia, hair loss, nausea, difficulty concentrating, joint pain, dizziness and seizures...(there's more, but this is getting discouraging)
I have tried so many other therapies and this one works the best at alleviating the physical challenges brought on by the MS. Plus the shrinkage of the lesions has been profound. I am often encouraged, but right now I feel beaten down to the core and as I shared with my friend, I covet your prayers. Pray especially that I will be content whatever my circumstances.
Now I guess I owe everyone that reads this $10 because I do have a little sign that I got from Carla that says "There is a $10 fee for whining."
(OUCH!!! on Carla's No Pity post.)
...back on break. Life is a bit... hard right now.
Comments
Oh, Lisa.
I'm praying right now. I hardly know what to say other than that I will pray for you, asking the Lord to intercede on your behalf.
Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
Posted by: kim from hiraeth | January 30, 2008 09:02 AM
Thanks for sharing the heavy burdens you have.
I am humbled by your testimony.
Your rewards in heaven are great.
I'll be praying for you to have His contentment and peace in the midst of your pain.
Posted by: donsands | January 30, 2008 11:27 AM
I haven't commented in a while...just been reading silently. :)
I just wanted to let you know that I am praying that the Lord would encourage you during this time...
Posted by: Veronica | January 30, 2008 11:32 AM
You're in my prayers, and know that you are deeply loved by the Almighty.
(((hugs)))
Posted by: jen elslager | January 30, 2008 12:23 PM
I've been a lurker lately too.
Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you.
Wilm
Posted by: Wilm | January 30, 2008 12:47 PM
This has really been a source of hidden shame for me. I don't really know why. I have finally been able to talk through it with a couple of close friends. It seems to boil down to a few factors along with the medication. The medication also seems to cause an extreme lack of sleep. I sleep less now than I did when I had my newborn babies. I refuse to take sleeping pills. Sleep deprivation can lead to depression. That seems to be the major cause of post-partum depression so it seems reasonable that is could be the cause of MS/ Interferon-triggered depression. On top of sleep deprivation, I am a woman that likes a goal that can be worked towards and completed in a reasonable time frame. I find that very satisfying. The home renovations are 9 months past the projected completion time and we are still far from being done. It is waring. One dear friend suggested that when I feel overwhelmed to go do a simple task that can be finished to satisfaction quickly... like go scrub my kitchen sink.
I have been given Scriptures that are very encouraging.
And yet... here I am depressed about nothing and finally able to understand what physiological depression is. I have much to be thankful for and yet I go through the motions of life. All the while, I am apparently exhausted and was not even aware of how badly it was affecting me. There could be more. I have been questioning every corner of my life... not my faith in Christ, but possible sin issues. What makes the most sense is MS depression. How do I conquer the sleep deprivation? I really cannot fathom taking a sleeping pill because then wouldn't I need a pill to wake up and then a pill for this and that ....
What I am clinging to is that God's will is perfect. I have been studying God's attributes as though my life depends on it. I find myself desperately clinging to Truth. You see, even though I do not feel like breathing, getting up, blinking, the Lord has given me the strength to obey even when I do not "feel" like it... even though it seems that I am merely going through the motions. That is all I have right now and I trust that in God's time, He will get me out of this deep and pitiful valley.
Thank you for your prayers and encouragement. There are no words to describe how deeply I am grateful.
Posted by: Lisa Nunley | January 30, 2008 07:29 PM
Lisa....not a med...it's something called Melatonin. Something our bodies produce naturally, so taking one or two Melatonin before going to bed will encourage you to sleep longer once you get to sleep. Just a thought.
I will pray. You are not in a fun place right now.
Posted by: Annette | January 30, 2008 08:12 PM
Annette,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. A dear friend actually recommended that... it sounded promising until I looked up the side-effects:
* Abdominal cramps
* Confusion
* Depression
* Dizziness
* Drowsiness
* Fatigue
* Headache
* Irritability
* Low blood pressure
* Nausea
* Vomiting
Also, Interferon, the drug that I currently take for the MS is also something our bodies produce naturally.
Right now it seems a choice between bad, just as bad, or worse... which one?
I do sincerely appreciate your prayers.
Posted by: Lisa Nunley | January 30, 2008 09:58 PM
My prayers are with you. Something you may have tried or not, Tylenol PM. When I was on Avonex and then Betaseron, the Tylenol really helped me rest better. Although I still woke up in the night, I was able to fall asleep again and feel a little more refreshed in the morning. The flu like symptoms stink, I know. God is carrying you through this.
Posted by: Rachael | January 31, 2008 04:24 PM
Hey Rachael,
I appreciate your prayers. E-mail me with how things are going with the Tysabri when you have time.
I do take the Tylenol PM currently and it probably keeps me from jumping off the walls at night so that is a good thing.
It is good to hear from you.
Posted by: Lisa Nunley | February 1, 2008 09:20 AM
Lisa, I know you are reluctant to try meds to help with the depression or lack of sleep. You are probably aware that insomnia itself contributes to depression. There is at least one medication for sleep disturbances which is not a sedative...Rozerem. It works by triggering the portion of the brain which controls falling asleep. I have used it during the weeks on IV Solumedrol when I simply couldn't sleep.
Another thing you might consider is finding a therapist which works from a faith-based perspective. My brother is a licensed therapist and counsels this way.
There are ways out of depression. I wish you well.
Posted by: Lisa Emrich | February 1, 2008 11:36 AM
Lisa,
Sleep deprivation really has been a huge contributing factor. It has been so long since I have had restful sleep... The consequences of such just crept up on me and hit pretty hard. I will talk to my husband about Rozerem... and pray.
I have a huge aversion to any kind of medication really. There is this deep fear of becoming addicted. My mother is an alcoholic so I have witnessed the ripping consequences of addiction. However, the other side of the coin is that I truly cannot function well without sleep.
Thank you for taking the time to comment.
Posted by: Lisa Nunley | February 1, 2008 11:51 AM
I am a fellow Christian blogger who have MS as well as other disabilities. I have dealt with depression and often in the "Christian world", depression is considered a taboo. Sin is a taboo so our bodies are carrying sin even though spiritually we are sinless. Our bodies are decaying daily as we get older.
I will be thinking of you and checking on your blog to see the latest updates.
Jim
Posted by: Jim | February 1, 2008 06:11 PM