"I am surprised you are not disabled."

Every once in awhile I think about what my new neurologist said after he viewed the deep brain lesions on the MRI I had this summer:

"I am surprised you are not disabled."

At first that rather shocked me hearing him say that and then telling my husband how careful I need to be about staying out of the heat, etc. This actually slammed me down pretty hard.
But then I realized how much my Lord, sovereign God of the universe, is sustaining me. I have prayed for healing and for God's will and purpose in all of this to ultimately bring Him glory... I guess this brought a deeper understanding of God's sustaining power. He is my comforter, and though I am not healed from the MS as evidenced by all of those brain lesions, obviously God is keeping me from being disabled.

This has actually brought Jon and I closer together. Do we know what tomorrow will bring? Only God knows for sure! What I do know is that I can trust my Heavenly Father and to live every moment to its fullest for His glory.

Owww-ch

I woke up with an intense head-ache and leg pains this morning. The leg pains happen when I am recovering from an MS exacerbation involving my legs... so, in a sense, there is praise with this pain. I typically wake up with a headache every morning, but not usually this intense.
In spite of this, I woke up singing "Before the Throne of God Above"

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea
A great High Priest whose name is love
Who ever lives and pleads for me
My name is graven on His hands
My name is written on His heart
I know that while in heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart
No tongue can bid me thence depart

When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end of all my sin
Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free
For God, the Just, is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me
To look on Him and pardon me

Behold Him there! The risen Lamb
My perfect, spotless, Righteousness
The Great unchangeable I AM
The King of Glory and of Grace
One with Himself I cannot die
My soul is purchased by His blood
My life is hid with Christ on high
With Christ my Savior and my God
With Christ my Savior and my God

Thank you Lord, for giving me a heart to sing praises to Your holy name and for being unchangeable, and faithful, perfect, spotless, righteous, and for counting my sinful soul as free through the shed blood of Christ.

I Once Was Blind...

But now I see. But then even now, though I may see, I see through a glass dimly.

I did not mention when I allowed you an MRI glimpse into my brain that apparently I have lesions on my occipital lobe.

Continue reading "I Once Was Blind..." »

Another Glimpse into my Brain

Psalm 139:14 "I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works,And my soul knows it very well."

(The white spots are brain lesions from the MS.)

I Peter 3:15 "But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have."

The image on the left is this years MRI and the image on the right is last years MRI. Last year I was in the midst of an exacerbation, apparent by the size of the lesion and the fluid surrounding it as depicted on the image on the right. Since I began the Rebif injections last year, I have not had any major exacerbations, only minor ones that are not obvious to onlookers. It was encouraging to see this years image in comparison to last year. Part of me was hoping they would all disappear... but then, obviously the Lord has a purpose in all of this. Who am I to question God? Trust and obey

Distracting Hidden Challenges

This past week I was so blessed to be able to teach 2nd grade boys at a camp. I got to hang out with K thru 2nd graders, my older boys that were helpers, and I met some pretty incredible adults. I had WAY more fun than I anticipated... and yes, I am exhausted.
There was a little girl there with spina bifida that was a HUGE inspiration to me. During the singing, that little girl fought to stand on her own with a smile on her face. She did all the hand motions. Sometimes she would have to grab the compassionate and willing girls on either side of her to keep from falling over. Sometimes she would fall over and just get right back up... still smiling. She was my hero this week and she left an indelible picture of endurance and a joy in spite of her circumstances. She seemed to embrace every moment.
This post is leading up to the fact that I have to go in on Monday at noon to get my annual MRI.

Continue reading "Distracting Hidden Challenges" »

Crazy Me

Remember the article I recently wrote called Just ask... Don't Stare. Well, I am continually amazed at the boldness the Lord provides in such times. There was this beautiful woman at Wal-mart in the shampoo isle. She was in one of those motorized chairs that Wal-mart provides its shoppers who have various physical challenges. She had a cane hanging off the basket. She got herself up off the chair to get some shampoo and I noticed her gate. This was all so familiar... I have been there. The motorized chair. The cane. That familiar gate.
So I said gently with a smile, "Ma'am, you look exactly like I do when I am having an MS exacerbation."
Sure enough, it was MS.
Even though I couldn't believe I actually just said that to her out loud, I was once again blessed, SO blessed by this woman and the conversation we had.

Thank you Lord for such an unexpected gift.. for directing my footing to meet this woman. Thank you for giving me the boldness to say something... and not just stare and wonder.

No Matter What

I use to go to John Brown University. Graduated there. Met my husband there. And please, when you hear the name "John Brown"... it is not the abolitionist. JBU is a Christian University that is non-denominational.
Anyway, I get the "Brown Bulletin." It is mainly sent to JBU alumni. The Summer 2007 issue has an article called "Living with MS: A Love Story."
It is a story about the couple that came to mind when the doctor told my husband and I that I had MS. Why did they come to mind? Because he was one of my Bible professors when I attended JBU. I remember going to the cafeteria and watching him and his wife... They always seemed so full of joy even though she was in a wheelchair and he had to feed her. Even though her speech was so slurred at times that she could barely be understood.

"Jon, what if you have to feed me like Dr. Walters has to feed his wife? What if I end up in a wheelchair like her?" I broke down crying.

This diagnosis came only about 4 months after we reconciled our marriage after an 18 month separation.

Jon responded, "No matter what, I will always be there for you as your husband. I will always love you. This does not matter to me."

Reading this article about Dr. Walters and his wife made me think of my husband and how he has lived up to and beyond what he said to me that day.

Here are a few of Dr. Walters words from the article that spoke to my heart and reminded me of my husband.

"Everything centers around an understanding of what love is,"he said, further describing that the church and society have wrongly nurtured the idea of self-centeredness instead. Love creates no debts because it keeps no records of what it does..."

"We have a great life. We enjoy each other, we laugh, we make each other laugh."...

Her dependence has shown him what his relationship with God should be like.... The couple readily admit that MS was not their choice for life: "We surely wouldn't have chosen this path," says Jim.
"But it's here," Lynda added...

"Some things you cannot do yourself. Some people so resist [getting help] that they insult people [who want to help]," he said.
In the midst of their situation, Jim and Lynda believe that their lives are not merely full of challenges to be endured, but full of opportunities to grow and reflect Christ.... "
"... There is the potential to die to self. There is the potential of reflecting Christ, who came, 'not to be served, but to serve and give His life..."

I wish I could reprint the article in its entirety. I remember calling Dr. Walters shortly after the diagnosis... all I could do was cry. He was so kind, so encouraging... and he prayed for Jon and I. They have made and continue to make a huge impact on Jon's and my life.

Facts about Multiple Sclerosis
A World Map of MS (It shows that MS is more prevalent in Canada than in the US. I didn't know that.)
Famous People with MS

Neurologist Appointment Today...

Yep... it was time. And it is also time for my annual MRI set for July. The appointment was a tad discouraging; but then my hope and joy is in the Lord and not my circumstances. I would appreciate your continued prayers. The MRI will disclose whether or not my brain lesions are growing or if the Rebif injections are causing them to shrink. (The "my brain lesions" link above leads to my last MRI that shows the size of the lesions)

God-willing there will be a Divinely ordained miracle and they will be gone.

Answer to prayer... to stomp in mud puddles

This morning at around 3am, the numbness in my leg went away. I have had to use a cane to walk as of late due to a recent MS exacerbation. However, the numbness has been replaced by excruciating pain and weakness. I will have to build up the strength in that leg again, but I am excited that I do not have to use that cane.

My children are SO sweet. When my daughter woke up and saw me walking she exclaimed, "Mommy, you can walk without your cane!!! Does this mean we can stomp in mud puddles again with you?"

(That is one of my favorite things to do with my children :-)

Does my life match my words?

Sometimes I have sleepless nights. I figure there is a purpose other than me staying in bed feeling sorry for myself, so I often find it to be an opportunity to pray for those on my heart... and then also post what is on my heart.

I go prayer walking in my neighborhood with 2 other ladies once a week. It is a joyous time that I look forward to... and we earnestly do pray... sometimes in tears. We tend to spend the first lap around our 1/2 mile circle of a neighborhood that consists of about 35 homes catching up with each others personal prayer requests. I tend to ask what they are studying in the Word of God, what are they memorizing, what did the Lord teach them this morning in His precious Word... and then we pray for each family as we pass their home.

This most recent prayer walk (as I am limping along), one of the ladies said, "Lisa, you prayed for our children... that we would raise them up in the fear and admonition of the Lord and that they would grow up boldly proclaiming the Gospel in their lives. I need that prayer too... especially when it pertains to boldness."

I initially began talking to her about the fear of man versus the fear of God... but then she sweetly interrupted... "It isn't really that... I have felt too much pain in my life to worry so much about what people think. I know life is short. It's the fear that the Lord will make me into a Job. I don't want to suffer like that and I feel so selfish. I don't want to think about being a martyr or something."

This young lady who has 4 children and is more like a sister than a neighbor has been through much pain... including that her first husband, who fathered her first 2 children, was diagnosed with leukemia 4 years into their marriage and within 36 hours of the diagnosis... she watched him die in their home.

This made me think of what Brian @ Voice of the Sheep commented on the Team Pyro blog yesterday...He wrote, The blind man was blind from birth...NOT because of his sin or his parents' sin...but so that the works of God might be displayed in him. Oh, how scary it is sometimes to pray to my Father that He would be glorified through me...for His power is perfected in weakness, and I honestly fear sometimes that He will choose to glorify [Himself in my life] in a way that he has these four examples. God forgive my selfishness and little faith.

Every Christian struggles with that. I struggle with that. I know the truth. I know that God's strength is powerfully displayed in my weakness. So yes... Lord forgive also my selfishness and little faith. We serve a faithful and mighty God and I may have all the right words to say... but will my actions match my words in times of affliction or if the Lord so chooses a path for me that includes a wheelchair or debilitating disease?

I write that trembling because I do have multiple sclerosis... and it is possible that I will end up in a wheel chair.

I don't typically write about the MS on other peoples blogs... but I did yesterday. It is still that pride struggle. I just pray that my words match my life.

It is never my intention to minimize anyone else's pain or affliction... but I do believe when we put it in perspective in light of eternity, every pain, every trial, every loss... whether it be spending a lifetime in a wheelchair or watching your spouse die within 36 hours of a cancer diagnosis is a temporary light affliction in light of the eternal weight of glory. Such Christian people, like Joni Erickson Tada, would rather live with such affliction knowing and living for Christ now... than live in fleeting comfort here on this earth yet separated from Christ for eternity.

I was immensely blessed by the recent string of posts over at Pyro. They were certainly on a role. Even though they are sometimes a little crazy, I have learned so much from them.

Continue reading "Does my life match my words?" »