Above is a pic of my youngest daughter and me.
My Husband, My brother in Christ
Divorcing Your Adopted Child
Here is a question from a dear friend, Dennis Gundersen, from Grace and Truth Books. He was our pastor when we lived in Tulsa:
"...as an adoptive Mom yourself, do you have a strong personal opinion on the "disruptions" issue? It greatly troubles me, to the point of wondering if this is serious sin on the part of those who turn a child back to the state when it's not "working out". Usually, the origin of it is violence, threats, from the child to the other children. I don't want to fail to understand the difficulties of such situations, but I see less dramatic options available prior to giving up on the child and "sending him back"... these disruptions are events I am hearing about with increasing frequency (even in Christian families) and I know other pastors who are wondering what their public stance in the church ought to be in those cases. I'd be thankful to know your ponderings on it."1. Let me begin by emphasizing that he just asked me to reveal my heart on one of the most gut-wrenching issues an adoptive mom can think upon.
Now let me share with you the Wikepedia definition of "disruption" adoption:
Disruption is the term most commonly used for ending an adoption. While technically an adoption is disrupted only when it is abandoned by the adopting parent or parents before it is legally completed (an adoption that is reversed after that point is instead referred to in the law as having been dissolved), in practice the term is used for all adoptions that are ended (more recently, among families disrupting, the euphemism "re-homing" has become current). It is usually initiated by the parents via a court petition, much like a divorce, to which it is analogous.
Here is a quote from a friend that has adopted 3 girls from disruption adoptions (From now on referred to as SheShe):
Whether the definition of disruption literally includes sending a child away after an adoption is final or not, it is a very accurate term. The entire family is torn apart, "disrupted" in effect. Of course it is painful for the adopted child. Other children living at home are likely to begin to wonder if they will be the next one to "go". Guilt feelings on the part of the parents can drive them apart, often leading to divorce. We have indeed seen a move for families to begin calling this action "re-homing" a child, but we choose to continue to use the word disruption. This is not something that needs to be sugar-coated. Softer wording does not change the sinful action or make things easier for anyone involved."2. What happens to a child when the adoption has been disrupted?
From SheShe: Children who are disrupted from a domestic adoption may indeed end up back in state custody, but internationally adopted children do not (unless there are severe situations where the child needs to be removed from the home immediately). Just take a moment to think of that from a child's perspective, though. Having waited for a family, been chosen and adopted by one, and then returned to the state system - what kind of effect is that going to have on the child? I do not feel a need to elaborate on that. What would their opinion on future adoption possibilities be? Would they be likely to have improved their behavior? Often, their acting out is actually a way of testing the parents to see how much they actually care for the child - "Do you REALLY love me enough to put up with all of this?" Sadly, the answer is often no.The families of internationally adopted children who are being adopted sometimes go back to the agency they used for the adoption for assistance in the disruption. Often, the parents "advertise" their child on email lists or other internet venues in order to find another adoptive families. This is not a good idea. We have seen many parents cruising these email lists and conversely advertising their desire to adopt a disrupted child. Some parents consider this a "cheap" way to adopt an international child, not taking into consideration that this child is guaranteed to come with "issues" which they may not be qualified to deal with, thus opening the door for further disruptions. Most of the families we have seen who want to adopt from a disruption and go so far as to advertise their desire have never adopted an older child before. Children who are disrupted need to be placed in a home with parents who are biblically grounded and experienced in dealing with difficult parenting challenges.
Personally, Bob and I do not "facilitate" disruptions since we feel so strongly that they are sinful. Each family that is sent our way is considered carefully regarding how we can be of help to them. If they are dead set against working through their problems and are looking for someone to help them "get rid of the problem", we will share our beliefs with them but not help them find a new family unless the child is in danger or already out of the home. Our first and foremost desire is to help the family work through their problems and teach them how to better deal with the challenges these children present. There are exceptions, but generally we consider helping a family disrupt their child being sin on our part, as we are enabling the parents to carry out their own sinful desires through us.
3. What are the prevailing attitudes towards "disrupting" or dissolving an adoption?
(According to Wikepedia): "Few parents who have disrupted adoptions have been willing to talk about the process, since it carries a strong social stigma. It is seen by many as essentially legally sanctioned abandonment, especially since there is no corresponding legal procedure available for biological parents who find their children beyond their ability to handle. Those who do disrupt and discuss it describe the experience as, unsurprisingly, extremely painful, almost like a death in the family..."
From SheShe: Three of our daughters came to us through disruptions and each time the disrupting families became upset to find out how well the child did in our home. This fact always points the finger back at the disrupting parents as the real problem. One of our daughters came to us from parents who ran an adoption agency. Could you imagine them being willing to talk about the disruption? Would this not be detrimental to their business? Of course it would (and rightfully so).Disruption is very, very painful for all involved. One of our daughters was in her first home for three years before coming to ours. She has been our daughter for over two years and is still not comfortable calling us Mom and Dad. We have her heart in most areas and she continues to heal, but a great deal of pain remains.
Consider disruption as compared to divorce. If a child's parents get a divorce, the child may feel that they are at fault, whether that is indeed the case or not. On the other hand, a child who is disrupted KNOWS they were to blame. Even thought the child is never without fault in a disruption, a huge majority of the guilt is on the parents, as they are the "responsible adults" in this situation.
4. What is my opinion?
I still struggle with how to answer that. But the only feeble attempt I can give is to say that this really is like a divorce. And when a parent adopts a child, they need to look at it from the Biblical perspective regarding the sanctity of marriage. Just as marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman, so should the adoption of a child be seen as a sacred union between parent and child. My adopted twins really are my reminder of who I am in Christ... adopted into the kingdom of God. As Wikepedia states, "there is no corresponding legal procedure available for biological parents who find their children beyond their ability to handle." Fervent prayer and Nouthetic (True Biblical) counseling is essential to the survival of this union.
5. Are there acceptions? Are their times when "divorcing" this adopted child would be considered acceptable from a Biblical standpoint?
Can I cry now? Because this is even harder to answer. There are so many factors to consider here that I do not feel equipped to answer. To me, it still boils down to treating the adopted child as you would a biological child... even if issues of sexual violation and physical threat are imminent or occurring.I can honestly say that when we first adopted the twins, the adjustment was much harder than we anticipated. (see my writings on our Adoption Adventure or look in my archives) There were times that we did not know if we could do it. There were times that we prayed for the strength to continue... or that the Lord would provide a way out. But praying that the Lord would provide a way out was a very sinful, selfish prayer. One we have repented of and one that we are grateful that God, in His perfect wisdom, obviously said "NO" to. It has been over 2 years now. But it has taken time for us to come to a point of recognizing that our lives would be empty without them. They are OUR boys. But it has been a tough journey. And we are thankful for the people that the Lord put in our path to encourage us to press on, and to fervently pray for us (Sheshe is one of those people).
From SheShe: OK, my opinion in a nutshell... We have yet to see a disruption that would be pleasing to God (and we have seen a lot of them). When parents adopt a child they basically enter into a covenant with the child and the judge or country from which they adopt the child. They agree to take this child and be their parents, giving them all of the same right and privileges as a biological child would have in their family. Are there any cases where God is pleased with one of His people breaking a covenant?What causes the parents to consider an adopted child in a different light than a biological child? This is what I call the "Wal Mart mentality". If they bring a child home and later decide there is something about them that they don't like or cannot handle, they want to take the child back to where they got them from. And honestly, it is much easier to do than adopting a child in the first place. Our three disruption adoptions have been much, much easier than our adoptions from Russia and we find that very sad. In our society it is easier to get rid of an adopted child than it is to get rid of a car that you owe money on.
So, we personally consider disruption to be sinful in all situations. We make this very clear to families who are sent to us for counseling/help and once we do we normally don't hear from these families again. If the child is in an unbelieving family, we handle things differently than we do a family who claims to be Christians. We try to evangelize unbelievers but, in the end, if it becomes obvious the child will be gotten rid of no matter what, we may decide to help the child while continuing to evangelize the family. In families who consider themselves to be Christians we offer them counseling and other forms of help but it is rare that we "find a family" for the child. If it becomes obvious that they are indeed not Christians we then begin the evangelism process with them, also.
Other options are available besides disruption. Biblical family counseling is one of the best options, with the child still in the home. Respite care can be found, where the child stays with another family for a period of time while the parents attempt to work on their struggles and learn how to better take care of the child. A note of caution regarding this possibility - the parents often find how much calmer their household is with the "problem" removed and then decide to go forward with the disruption. That is NOT the goal of respite care, however. There are a few organizations that will take children in while parents work on their problems also, although they can be quite costly.
We also strongly believe that an adopted child should have the same place in the family as a biological child. We have made it clear to our 11 children that the only reason we would ever send one of them away from home for a period is if they become a threat to any of our other children. They all know that we are speaking to them all when we make this statement, whether adopted or biological. If sent away, they would remain our child, though. We would not disown them, no matter what, but we would remove them from home for a period of time if they became a physical threat to anyone.
Bob and I have sought pastoral counsel on this issue many times but no real input has come our way. Since disruption itself is not addressed in the Bible, we must consider biblical principles rather than absolute commands. Principles such as "let your yes be yes and your no be no", not breaking covenants, teaching and training the children in God's ways and many others are applicable. I very much look forward to having pastoral input on this issue. Please share the exchanges with us as you see fit, Dennis.
One last thing. Having said all of that, why do we have three daughters in our home from disruptions? First of all, we have learned as we went along. Although we love our daughters dearly, we would most likely handle their situations differently now than we did when they actually happened. Secondly, all of them came to us from nonbelieving families. One daughter was in physical danger and needed to be removed from her home in a very short amount of time. Both other families were first counseled to not disrupt, but they refused any help. We tell these three daughters that what their families did was wrong. It was sin for their parents to disrupt them and we are very open about that. However, God has taken these wrongs and used them to His glory! These girls are now daily exposed to the Gospel, one having been dramatically converted after coming to our home. God is working on the hearts of the other two and as I type this my husband is sharing the Gospel with one of them yet again.
So, how can these situations be avoided? I am SO glad you asked. ;-) We believe that the key is to prepare families before they even bring a child into their home. They need to be aware of the challenges they could be up against beforehand. Even the worst case scenarios need to be presented to them. We know of families whose adopted child has accused someone in the family of sexual abuse. In one very sad situation the accusation was true and the father is now in prison. These dangers are very real and the parents need to be made aware of them and equipped to handle them if they arise. (I know, Dennis, we need to get that book finished...) It is very, very common for families to not even be informed of the possible issues they may be up against when a child comes into their home. This is a heinous thing on the part of the agencies and social workers - there is no excuse for it. They only get paid if the adoption happens, though, so there is a tendency to sugar coat the problems that may come up and to under report problems the adopted child has. We often see children being adopted who were reported to be sweet, calm, obedient and they turned out to be quite the opposite.
I will confess that I would be so relieved to come to the point where we believed disruption was biblical so that we could help children find new homes. That is the easy way out, though. And, at this point, not what we consider to be God's way.
"...just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him, in love He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved." -Ephesians 1:4-6
Consider contacting Bob (FatherofEleven) and Ramona (SheShe) at bob@bobandramona.com if you have serious questions and prayer requests that are private. (NOTE: If you get a response from Bob's spam filter all you need to do is reply to the message and send. This will let the spam filter know you are real person and not an e-mail robot.) Or you can contact me at lisa4given@gmail.com. Consider posting your comments here. All that is required is your name or nickname and your e-mail address that will not be displayed. URL is not required.
